As a parent myself and a parenting assessor I have lots of experience of demonstrating positive parenting as well as observing positive parenting. Unfortunately, there is no official ‘textbook’ on how we positively parent our children and we learn a lot from how we were parented ourselves and from watching others parent. As an only child my parenting experience will be somewhat different to a child who has grown up in a family home with lots of other siblings, I did not have the hustle and bustle of a busy family home; mine was more tranquil and calming, however I do not feel being an only child affected the way I was parented nor taught me anything differently in respect of parenting.
As I have mentioned above there is no official ‘textbook’ on how we should or shouldn’t parent our children however the most important thing is that if we decide to become a parent we except our responsibilities for our children and make them the main priority in our life. So yes, there might be no more nights out with friends, no more buying expensive clothes & shoes and no more sleeping past 7am of a weekend, however this will be replaced by unconditional love that we receive from our children.
A child requires their parents (whether this be both parents or just mum or dad) to meet all their needs, all of the time and to prioritise them above their own needs and wants, unfortunately not all children receive this commitment from their parents. Throughout my career at Amber Family, I have worked with parents who are able to fulfil this role to their full potential and thrive within their role as a parent. I have also however worked with other parents who are sadly unable to do this, sometimes this is through no fault of their own, while some parents make a choice not to prioritise their children’s needs above their own.
Positive parenting can come in lots of different ways and the list is endless however here are a few examples of what I would encourage to all new parents… stay calm when meeting your baby’s needs; make meeting their needs your priority; talk to your baby; sing to your baby; read books to your baby; cuddle your baby; be kind to your baby; protect your baby from others who may cause harm and when possible take some time for yourself, this can be difficult however it is important that we look after ourselves to ensure we can fully look after our children.
For most individuals and families, the Christmas period is a time of celebration, joy, and happiness. It’s a time when people can enjoy their well earned break from work, prioritise spending some much needed quality time with their loved ones, and over-indulge in great food, thoughtful presents, and amazing company. Whether you spend all day in your pyjamas watching your favourite Christmas films with the kids, get dressed up in your new Christmas clothes and visit the family, or even take the time to sit and listen to the Queen’s speech- It really is the most wonderful time of the year isn’t it?
Sadly, this is not the case for everyone, and unfortunately for some; Christmas is instead a time of anxiety and fear. Statistically, the Christmas period is the one that sees the highest increase for domestic abuse. Domestic violence can be an isolated incident or a pattern of incidents that encompass controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour. In previous years, it has been reported that on average, 30% more non-molestation orders, are served in January than at any other time of year. Evidently, there is something about this time of year that brings out both the best and worst in people. Many families, relationships and friendships can be torn apart during this supposedly festive time of year, with individuals of all ages finding themselves in extremely distressing and often dangerous situations.
So, what is it about this time of year that that facilitates the increased rates of domestic violence? Note: It’s important to acknowledge that an individual’s decision to act in a way that is domestically abusive is solely their own, the responsibility lies with them. However, the following are some factors that are known to increase this behaviour during the Christmas period;
So how does the above translate into an increased level of domestic abuse? Parents are put under pressure to please their children and each other; which can easily lead to an increase in stress and disagreements. The undeniable financial burden that is placed on individuals at this time of year, which often leads to increased overtime at work and no time to relax. The relentless social media posts from friends and family that throw people unwillingly into a competition of who’s having the best Christmas. This “keeping up with the Jones’s” mentality often ends up overshadowing the whole day. The worry that the kids presents won’t be enough, because as much as we pretend otherwise; Christmas is all about the presents to a 6 year old. There is also the likelihood that individuals will over-indulge in alcohol, which can lead to lowering of inhibitions and an increase in irritability, anxiety, and aggression.
Then there’s the family visits; whilst spending time with loved ones is always welcome in theory, the reality can be somewhat different. Any existing family disagreements have the potential to become magnified, especially when everyone is put together in a confined space for an extended period of time. The stress and added pressure of this can often lead to disagreements and in some cases verbal or even physical abuse. Or it could even be something as nondescript as the dampening of moods due to cold temperatures, awful weather and the weariness that comes with the end of a long year- especially this particular year.
When considering all of the above factors together, it becomes clearer why Christmas can be as much a time of suffering and pain as it is a time of joy and hope. Across the country, refuges and police forces are preparing for a surge in domestic abuse case referrals. According to UK government figures, assault and domestic murders increase by 25% during the holiday period, with incidents increasing by a third on Christmas day itself. Yet despite this rise in cases, calls to the National Domestic Abuse website actually decrease at this time of year. This is likely due to parents wanting to keep everything together for the children, plus being in close contact with the abuser decreases their opportunity to get help. As shocking as these statistics are, for many, this Christmas will be harder than we could imagine.
So, what can we do? Breaking the silence and stigma around domestic abuse is one of the key things we can all do to help reduce rates. Currently, domestic violence is often considered a ‘taboo’ subject, with those who have been abused more often than not being stigmatised by society themselves: “Why didn’t she just leave?” or “Why did you let him get away with it?”, are just two of countless questions thrown around by individuals, who are ignorant to the fact that they are in essence projecting the guilt onto the victim. This often results in those who have been abused believing that they are the ones at fault, thus reducing the likelihood of them speaking out. Breaking the silence is also a key aim of the “Mask 19” program, which is a hotline project that was created by the global women’s network Zonta International. Advertisements for the Mask 19 program can be found in places such as pharmacies, doctor’s offices and hospitals. Many people who have suffered from abuse may not be able to call for help from within their homes, particularly during the Christmas period, so when they use the phrase “Mask 19” in establishments that advertise the program, the police are immediately notified. This program is currently being rolled out all around Europe in the hopes of helping countless individuals leave abusive relationships.
All of us at Amber Family hope you have a restful, peaceful and calm Christmas but if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can contact the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or go to www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk. Anyone in immediate danger should call 999.
You are never alone
When Gill and I started working on the concept of Amber Family, she was on maternity leave from the Local Authority and I was working as a Construction Project Manager in the Midlands. Our geographical distance meant that nights were spent on the phone talking about policies, service users, EDT’s, Local Authority’s and what we’d consider suitable attire for our staff who we’d not even recruited yet….in fact, did we have a recruitment policy?! No!
We rented a large, residential property that had fortuitously become available in our local area and we set about dealing with planning permissions, building regulations, CCTV companies, plasterers, carpet fitters, furniture providers, IT providers, data and comms providers – we’d speak to anyone and everyone who could give us a helping hand to realise our dream of opening a residential family centre.
Amber Family was opened on 1st June 2014 and in that time, what a learning curve we’ve had. Having started off with 6 staff and one setting (Gill and I being two of those staff), we now have a workforce of 40, made up of the most brilliant full time and part time staff across three settings, all of which we now own, having handed back our “first” Amber House to the Landlord earlier this year.
At any one time we can accommodate up to 12 families, four in each house and placements last on average, about 13 weeks; we’ve just accepted our 202nd family into placement. We could grow bigger and accommodate more, however, our emphasis is on ensuring that parents get a focussed, honest and robust assessment in a supportive environment and Gill and I still have full control over the day to day operation of the company and our assessments; we wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, what have we learned?
· Your staff are everything; Without them, we wouldn’t have a business, but you need to pick the right people. They’ve got to be “people people!”, have excellent listening skills and empathy, be the right mix of humorous, supportive, encouraging and honest – definitely honest.
· Working with the Local Authorities is good; We love it when we get a new Local Authority to work with and we work hard for all our placing Authorities. On the whole, we like to think we’re good at supporting them as we appreciate the pressure that the Local Authority Social Workers are under and when we work in partnership, we produce better outcomes for our families. We’ve had a lot of repeat referrals from Social Workers we’ve worked with over the last few years and this makes us happy.
· Trust your gut and go for it – Gill and I STILL spend an inordinate amount of time on the phone, seeking confirmation from each other that we are making the right decisions and sending out the correct information. It was a gut instinct almost 7 years ago that we should open Amber Family, and the rest as they say, is history.